Lucky people are not always lucky.

I’ve always felt like one lucky bastard. I mean, from the outside, it looks like things fall into my lap, like life hands me opportunities on a silver platter. But what people don’t see is the wrestling match in my head, the inner demons I fight just to get up and go after the things I know will benefit me. They don’t see the breakdowns, the pauses, the silent wars, the troubles, the sleepless nights. They just see the outcomes and assume it was easy.

Really? 

But thinking about it again, I wouldn’t even blame them. Sometimes when I look at myself, it feels like these things come easy too.

The truth is, I just make it look lighter than it feels.

Add that to the fact that I’m a lazy knowledge-thirsty type. I love to know things, I love to acquire knowledge, but I get tired on the way. I’ll chase something hard, then drop it for months, then pick it up again like I never left. And when I finally get it, someone somewhere thinks it’s because I know someone or had it easy. It’s funny because half the time, I don’t even know as much as people assume. I just learnt early how to speak well, how to present myself, how to put words together in a way that buys me time or opens doors.

The day I understood the power of my words was the day I started using it to my advantage. I don’t know everything, but I try to have an idea of almost anything so that when I’m asked to speak, I have something to say.

I hear “oh, you’re a jack of all trades” and I’m just like, I’m having fun. Or “I see you everywhere” and I’m like, it’s cool to explore. I hate being asked something and I have to say I don’t know. And when people see me shaking before a presentation, they think I’m pretending. They think because I present often, it shouldn’t be new or scary. They don’t believe me when I say I’m a shy type and my heartbeat goes crazy before I get on stage. But the moment I step up there, I don’t let that fear run me.

And honestly, as far as I’m concerned, this thing I’m doing has worked for me many times. Not every time, but enough times to keep me going. In the times it doesn’t work out, I still don’t panic. A lot of people start to fidget or spiral when something goes left. They rush, they act out, they let fear show on their face. That’s not me. I’ve never been wired that way. There was a day I had a presentation. I was fully prepared, I had practiced with people before the time, and everything was fine until I got on stage. The moment I was called up, everything in my head went blank. I couldn’t remember a thing. Inside, I was like, what the hell is going on, but I didn’t show it. I was moving around, smiling, trying to keep my head clear. When I saw it wasn’t coming back, I just switched. I made them laugh, told them I had forgotten what I planned to present and that I was sorry, and that there was another event the next week and if they came, I’d do better then. The stage anxiety held me that day but I didn’t collapse or cry or run off. I just took it as it came and found another way out.

Same thing happened at a badminton competition I attended. Before it started, I watched people practice and I could already tell who looked strong and who seemed like they’d struggle. To my surprise, the person I thought would at least survive the first round was the one who got kicked out immediately. Not because he didn’t know how to play, but because fear already beat him before his opponent did. You could see it on his face. And his opponent used it against him. Sometimes in life, it’s not incompetence that finishes people, it’s the fear they let show that gives others the advantage.

That’s why I stick with what works for me and adjust when it doesn’t. At the end of the day, you just have to know yourself and know what actually works for you. What carries me might not carry you, and what comes natural to you might drown me. We’re not all wired the same, and that’s fine.

Half of life is showing up like you belong, even when your legs are shaking and your mind is dragging its feet. The rest is courage, small lies you tell fear, and the audacity to speak before doubt catches up.

At the end of the day, whatever you do, pray for God’s blessing as it appears like luck and makes people wonder and it gives courage, too.